You’re scrubbing oven pride off your arms while your other half calls from a casino at 8 a.m. You’re thinking, Really? Right now?
Sound familiar?
It’s a scene many military spouses know all too well; one person on the grind at home, the other living a very different reality while deployed or away. And when they come home? You’d think the hard part is over. But instead of romantic reunions, you find yourselves bickering about housework, golf trips, and who deserves more downtime.
Here’s the thing: most of the time, the argument isn’t about what it seems to be.
It’s Not About the Night Out
In our recent Married to the Military podcast episode, I spoke with Emily Caddy, a relationship counsellor and Royal Navy spouse, about why military couples argue., a relationship counsellor and Royal Navy spouse, about why military couples argue. Spoiler: it’s rarely about the actual plans or chores.
When one partner says, “I want a night out,” and the other says, “I need a break,” it’s not really about going out or babysitting. It’s about feeling seen. Valued. Prioritised.
It’s the unspoken message we hear underneath the request:
“You don’t care that I’m exhausted.”
“You think your time matters more than mine.”
“You get to blow off steam and I get to burn out.”
What’s Really Going On: The Emotional Subtext
Emily reminded us that most conflict comes down to miscommunication, not just in what’s said, but what’s felt.
When our partner makes a plan or sets a boundary, we often interpret it through the lens of stress, exhaustion, or hurt. That’s where things spiral… fast.
Instead of reacting in the moment, Emily recommends a powerful but simple tool: the Check-In Exercise.
Try This: The Check-In Exercise
Before emotions boil over, take a pause and say:
“Can I just check something with you? When you said X, I felt Y. Is that what you meant?”
It seems basic, but it changes the tone instantly. It gives your partner a chance to clarify, and it keeps the conversation from turning into a scorecard of who’s done more.
Emily also suggests hitting the Pause Button when things get heated. Walk away with a plan to return, say 20 minutes, or after the kids go to bed so both of you have space to think and reset.
Build Your Own Script, Not Your Parents’
Another eye-opener from the episode: most of us carry unspoken “scripts” into our marriage - beliefs we’ve absorbed from our parents or previous relationships about how couples should behave.
Sometimes we replicate them. Sometimes we correct them. But the healthiest relationships create something new together; an integrated script based on what you need as a couple.
That means getting honest about what your roles look like, what’s fair, what’s flexible, and what’s off-limits. Without that clarity, resentment builds, and conflict follows.
Final Thoughts
If you’re feeling stuck in the same arguments again and again, know this: you’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone.
Military life magnifies normal relationship stress. But with the right tools, like honest communication, emotional awareness, and a bit of support. things can get better.
And hey, the next time that phone rings from a casino at 8 a.m.? You might just be able to laugh about it.
Helpful Links:
🎧 Listen to this episode on Spotify
📺 Watch on YouTube
🍏 Find it on Apple Podcasts
🔗 Explore Emily Caddy’s website
📚 Browse our children’s books about deployment
🎁 Shop military wife gifts & support items
Looking for more honest conversations about military life?
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